Monthly Archives: August 2015

Ups and Downs


I hit a difficult time in the journey. Pain is my constant companion. Lost a bit of my progress and just want to quit. Sorry to say this may not be so upbeat. I have felt defeated, hopeless and just ready to stuff myself with the foods I love and miss..bread and butter and chocolate, oh and lets not forget steak and burgers! Yes, I hit a rough patch and wanted to quit, to get off this journey.

At night, when the house is quiet and my husband is asleep, and my daughter is closed up in her room, supposedly asleep, tears drip off my face. I lay here alone in the dark and cry. My emotions are allowed to just be what they are in the dark. I miss my Sissypoo so much. I miss being up and doing things for myself and my family. I miss shopping, the beach and going out to eat. I miss being pain free and able to walk and drive my car. I worry over how to keep on doing this, do I even want to. Where will the money come from. What will happen to me?

Then there is my husband. The one who stands beside me, carries me, holds me, loves me with every deed and look,and prays for me. When I am weak he stands in for me, showing me how far I have come, how YHVH has not forsaken me. His love and faith keep me going when I want to quit. My daughter, she finds food to tempt me to eat. She makes me laugh and shares her experiences from work with me. My granddaughter fights to help me. She brings joy to my day with her sweet spirit.

I am thankful for my son and his wife. They drop whatever it is they are doing to help me, even sitting in the hot sun with me to encourage me along. Wonder if they know how much it means to me when they share themselves with me. Then there are the friends that are family to me. Their prayers, texts, emails and such, well they make the hard things bearable. They give me hope.

So, I went a few steps back. I need to use the walker again. At times my leg will not move, and if I force it, the pain shoots up the back and into my hip, around to the front. A pulsing, throbbing pain. One that keeps me up at night. One I try to hide. One that takes my appetite away. Last night I quit. I just told my Eddie that I just can’t do it anymore. Ah that man is a true gift from my Abba. His love carries me when I am too weary to take another step, to do another enema, to drink another green drink. Then…when I am still…YHVH whispers to the center of my being…He knows…nothing is hidden from Him. He sees each tear, hears my desperation and knows my heart better than I do. He reaches down from His throne to touch me and breathe life into me, filling me with peace.

When I am weak, He is strong. It is not my strength that will carry me through this journey, it is His. So for today, I will be carried. Today I will lean on my husband and trust my G-d.

Cancer is ugly. Pain is wearying. Love is comforting. Hope is pushing up through this storm. Faith is facing today.

Thank you for being a part of this with me…

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We Have Hope

God did not promise

I have seen my share of pain and rain…of sunshine and laughter…and I thank Him each morning for another day and for giving me strength for the challenges I face.

Many people around the globe joined me by praying and supporting my healing journey. That was a big blessing as things got worse. I reached a point of not being able to lift my arms to dress or undress or put on deodorant. I no longer could climb in or out of the tub. I could not sit myself down or get up. I could not stand to brush my teeth or do any personal hygiene without help. It seemed that I could do less and less each day.

My sweet husband would rub my left leg because of the intense pain that had me crying instead of sleeping. My daughter was by my side and saw when I was ready to give up…that is when my family would allow me to lean on their faith and strength.

It has not been easy. Many tears have flowed but I kept going. Carla watched my blood and adjusted my diet and other parts of my protocol as needed. You know, we are individuals and our needs are different so she closely monitors each of her clients to see how we respond. She had to be aggressive in my protocol because the cancer was.

Well…it is with much rejoicing that I share this part…this week we began to look at my progress…the crippling pain that was from my back and down my left leg is now a mere ache in the leg, the pain is in the lower back and around to the front and in the hips. The numbness and pins and needles feeling is going away. I can raise my arms to dress and undress, I can stand for about 5 minutes and I can do some of my own personal hygiene….that is a big one for me! My body is responding and we are thankful and rejoicing. We have a ways to go but I have hope.

Thank you so much Carla for walking through this with me and for not letting me give up when I felt hopeless. Thank you to my precious family for loving me through this most difficult season. It is paying off. I have goals. I want to sleep in my bed, to walk without the walker or cane and to go to the beach. Oh there are more goals, but these are what I am looking towards now.

A big heartfelt thank you to all that have stepped in to help us with finances and prayers and encouragement….we have hope and will continue on this path. I could not express enough what it means to us as a family that so many have stepped in to help us. We would not be able to do this without all the help!

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Choices and Sleepless Nights

June 15. 2015 started out with an appointment with the oncologist. I was ok, but in pain that had me sweating and trembling, or was that fear? Maybe it was both. I mean, this is real now. It is ME with cancer. ME that has to make choices as to treatment and all that. What did I want? What could they do?

What a shock when the doctor told me they are not going to do any surgery on the breast because it was too far spread. OK. He was sending me to a radiologist to set up treatments on my lower back to bring me some relief from the pain. He also scheduled an appointment for two tests, both would include nuclear dye to be injected into me. Now why? I mean, here is someone with cancer, that is destroying her body, and you want to put poison in? Oh, wait, it is so you can see how many organs are affected and then the other is for the bones, to see how far it is in my bones. Now we thought it was important at first, but had concerns about what it would do to my body. So we decided to pray and ask God to stop anything that would cause my body more harm. You know, the prayer of asking Him to shut doors that are not from Him.

I mean, the doctor is telling us I had about 6 months, and that they would keep me comfortable and that I might need chemo if it was systemic, throughout my body, but that would only buy time. Um, no thank you. There is no hope here so I don’t think so. No chemo and no radiation. I saw what that did to my Dad and a sweet lady from our Bible study, both of whom are gone now. And fast. Did I mention that his office was dark ( there were lights on) and you could feel hopelessness and death. Kind of creepy.

That afternoon we met with Carla. What a difference. You could feel LIFE in that room and a peace that could only come from God. Well, Carla took a few hours with us. She had so much love and compassion for us. She told us that we were going to be very aggressive in my protocol because of how advanced things were. Boy she wasn’t kidding.


She began with food and a supplement, a couple things to start cleaning my blood up. Took away all my food-like things plus all meat, dairy and grains and no more sugar for me either. All the things that feed cancer were taken out of my diet. OK, now mind you, I am not a veggie eater., well, I am now. She wanted to help my body prepare for the next step, so my diet was clean and oh, important here, alkaline water, she had me drink a gallon a day. Next I was to do a ten day cleanse transformation.

She took a live blood sample, and boy, my blood was in bad shape. I honestly do not know how I was alive. That gave Carla a look at what I needed to jump start my immune system, it was all bogged down in sludge. The Bible tells us that life is in the blood, not in mine!

We were told that the blood analysis was key to knowing what my body needed to help itself. We are all different and our needs are different, so this is key to our protocol. You know what, I had HOPE now. She was setting up my own, personalized journey to healing. Step by step.

At this stage, we still had one appointment to go to the surgeon for a biopsy on the lump in my breast. Did I mention it is very very big and hard, about the size of a tangerine?

We went to see him on June 18th. I liked him right off. A compassionate man, gentle and caring. I did not like what he had to say though. He could not understand why we were having a biopsy, he said the breast needed to be removed. Talk about a gut punch. I looked at Ed, and then the doctor and said no, that is not an option. I would not consider chemo or radiation. See, I had a plan and that gave me hope and a boldness to say what I wanted and didn’t want. We were going to do the biopsy, just to see what kind of cancer, but that never happened. Insurance dictates what you can and cannot do. Not to mention a hefty deductible, co-pays and then your 20% or 30%.

End of the road…we learned we would have to pay $2200 to have one test, and higher for the next immediately after and then the biopsy. There was our answer. We did not have the money to pay for any of that. Ed called and cancelled the tests and appointments. Whew.

While dealing with this, the pain was increasing and my mobility was decreasing. I needed more and more help with daily living.

The 19th of June we saw Carla again. Now she was funny. At least I thought so. See, a few years ago I was reading about the Gerson Therapy for cancer. One thing stood out and made me say no way would I do this! That one thing – coffee enemas several times a day! Nope. Not gonna do that, not ever. So guess what Carla said I had to do? Yup, coffee enemas two or three times a day! Oh dear. Oh the comedy of errors in beginning that adventure. First off, I could not do it for myself. I mean, I could not lay down on the floor, or in and out of bed, that required help. My husband, well, he is love in action. He helped me get into bed and he did the enemas for me, still does.

That first one, oy what a comedy of errors. Sure, hold in 32oz for 15 minutes. Right. I made it to 3 minutes. This was going to take practice! Carla would not take no for an answer. My life depends on doing what it takes to get my immune system working and to starve the cancer.

Carla warned me that things could get worse before getting better. I think I half paid attention to that. Let me say this, boy was she right!

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I have cancer

March of 2013 I found a lump in my right breast. I did nothing until May. I saw a doctor and refused conventional treatment, choosing to just try to eat better. Well eating healthier until October 2014. That December I began to have pain in my lower back and hips. We thought it was sciatica and figured it would go away on its own. Boy were we wrong.

In May 2015 my husband, Ed and I began to go to the beach every weekend. I noticed that I was losing mobility each week.

May 27, 2015 began this most difficult time. I went to pick up something off the floor and got stuck. I could not move. My daughter had to call my husband home from work to help me. I was in intense pain and could hardly move. My son, Jonathan, came over to drive me to his chiropractor while Ed drove our daughter, Amanda, to work.

I felt some improvement after he did some decompression on three disks that were bulging in my lower back which he saw on the xrays. When things did not improve, he ordered an MRI on June 10th. They called my husband on the next morning to tell him that I had a mass on my back pushing on the spine, that my breast cancer had metastasized and I needed to get to my doctor ASAP.

Ed did not call, he just came home. I was in the kitchen and heard him walk in the door. My heart froze, immediately thinking he lost his job. His face, I can not describe the look in his eyes when he came into the kitchen. He told me the doctor called him and told him I needed to get to my doctor ASAP that I had cancer that has spread. Whew, is that all, what a relief. Then it began to sink in. This was me we were talking about. I have cancer. My son came home from work, so did his wife, Genée – she gave her ticket away to Tampa Bay Rays game for that night. Now having them all here made me feel like a lab specimen. I mean, I am Mom, I take care of others, not the one needing care. Thus began our journey into that scary medical realm.

June 12th we saw my primary doctor. Oh boy. What a jolt to my life. They instantly began to order a barrage of tests, set up appointments with the oncologist, surgeon, and radiologist. My head was spinning. I was numb but going through the motions with the help and support of my family.  Jonathan called an old friend, Carla Gilmore (CNM CNC HC) she is a Nutritional Microscopist, Counselor and Health Coach since 1998. She walked through cancer herself and has since helped others to do the same.

During this time I was screaming inside. I did not want radiation or chemo or surgery. I had seen what that did to my Dad and other friends. I agreed to go to my next two appointments but I knew what I wanted. Naturally the doctors began with prescriptions, one for pain, one for nausea (which I did not have) and one for anxiety. I tried the pain meds, I mean, I could hardly walk or sit or stand. Well that did not work out for me. It magnified the pain. I disliked the oncologist. He was good, but cold and unfeeling. His office was a like a morgue. He ordered a PET scan and a bone scan. Both use nuclear dyes. Ed and I prayed about what to do, but it ended up with us having to cancel both because we have such a high deductible and would have had to pay for them both up front.

Breathe. My first appointment with Carla was that same afternoon, June 15th. I am thankful my son called her. After all that doom and gloom talk, she gave me hope. She began my healing protocol. Actually, she began a protocol that would boost my immune system so my body could do what God designed it to do, Heal Itself!

We did see the surgeon on June 18th and liked him, but but but…he said I needed to have my breast removed now and he could not do it because our insurance would not cover the hospital he works out of. Mind you, my oncologist said they would not do surgery because it was too far spread. He just wanted a biopsy done. This is nuts. They can not agree on things and the stress had me a wreck.

We went home and I said enough. Not doing this. That was my last dealing with conventional cancer treatment and doctors.

Before I get too far ahead of myself…we are so grateful to Ed’s bosses. They have been amazingly supportive and helpful allowing Ed to work from home so he can be here to take care of me during the time I could do nothing for myself.

Day by day…step by step…

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